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____________________
NYPD
Police Officer vs. New York Lawyer
A
lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a NYC Police Officer. He thinks that he is smarter than the Police Officer
because he is a lawyer and is certain that he has a better education than any Police Officer. He decides to prove this to
himself and have some fun at the Police Officers expense.
The
Police Officer says," License and registration, please."
"What
for?" says the lawyer.
The
Police Officer says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Then
the lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming."
"You
still didn't come to a complete stop”, Says the Police Officer. “License and registration, please".
The
lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
"The
difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law.
License
and registration, please!" says the Police Officer.
Lawyer
says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and
you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
"That
sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the Police Officer says.
At
this point, the Police Officer takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving shit out of the lawyer and
says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?
____________________
POLICE STORY
In most of the northern states, there is
a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop down to single digits or below. About
3 AM, one very cold morning, a state police officer responded to a call. There was a car off the shoulder of the road outside
Casper, WY. He located the car, stuck in deep snow, and with the engine still running.
Pulling in behind the
car with his emergency lights on, the officer walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel
with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him. The driver came awake when the officer tapped on the window. Seeing
the rotating lights in his rearview mirror, and the state policeman standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked
the gearshift into 'drive' and hit the gas.
The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 and then 50 mph, but it
was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning. The policeman, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding,
but still stationary car. The driver was totally freaked, thinking the officer was actually keeping up with him. This goes
on for about 30 seconds, then the officer yelled at the man to 'Pull over!' The man obeyed, turned his wheel and stopped the
engine. Needless to say, the man from Casper was arrested, and is probably still shaking his head over the state patrolman
who could run 50 miles per hour. Who said cops don't have a sense of humor?
____________________
What some Police would like you to know.
Your 5 year old kid getting pushed down by another 5 year old kid is NOT a police matter; talk to the other kid's parents,
not the police.
If your kid won't do his homework or do his chores, 911 is not the answer.
If a cop causes a car accident we usually get a ticket, and sometimes we get suspended. When is the last time you got
3 days off (without pay) for rear-ending a guy at Wal-Mart?
If you think you can fan all the pot smoke out of the car before we smell it, good luck.
We know you've had more than two beers. When I've had two beers, I didn't hit six parked cars, drive my car through
the front doors of a Toys-R-Us, pee my pants or pass out at a traffic light.
When you see an emergency vehicle behind you with its lights and sirens on, pull to the RIGHT, and stop. We are usually
required to pass cars on the left.
When you're driving in the fast lane and you see a cop behind you, don't go 5 MPH under the speed limit. We are not
impressed by how safe of a driver you can be, we're trying to go help someone (or catch that guy in the SUV that just cut
you off). Safely move over and let us pass please.
If you get a warning instead of a ticket from a motorcycle cop, go buy a lottery ticket, because you've already beaten
the odds.
When you see an officer conducting a traffic stop, or with a suspect in handcuffs, it is generally not a good idea
to approach him and ask for directions. If you do, don't expect the officer to be nice when he tells you to get lost, and
don't expect the officer to take the time to explain.
Here's how to get out of a ticket. Don't break the law.
If you drive a piece of crap, that is why you're getting pulled over.
In one week I pulled over 10 cars for minor traffic violations. 5 out of 10 had no vehicle insurance. 3 out of 10 had
suspended driver's licenses. 2 out of 10 had warrants. 1 out of 10 had felony warrants. 1 was a known sex offender with his
12 year old niece in the car without her mother’s knowledge.
If you've just been pulled over doing 70 in a 35, do not greet the officer with "what seems to be the problem, officer."
We get coffee breaks too, and sometimes we run into stores and do some shopping during them.
When you're the victim of a burglary, take the time you spend waiting for the officer to find the model number and
the serial number of the stuff that was taken.
Some cops are just jerks, but take heart in the fact that other cops don't like them either.
If it's nighttime and you're driving a vehicle with tinted windows and I pull you over, it's not because of your skin
color. I usually can't tell if the vehicle even has a driver until the windows rolled down.
Every time you hear on the news about people running away from a crazed gunman, someone's son or daughter in a police
uniform is running TOWARD that crazed gunman.
Yes, it's true; cops usually don't give other cops tickets. Think of it as an employee discount, perk or benefit. Other
cops are family and you wouldn't give your brother a ticket if you were a cop either.
If your local police agency has a helicopter, everyone knows it's loud and annoying, but did you know it can cover
the same area as 20 patrol officers and safely chase criminals that are driving 90 MPH through city streets. Many times the
guy has no idea it's there and slows down.
Police work is….writing reports.
If you rob a gas station you're only going to get about $100, but I get to see a K9 dog use your arm as a chew toy.
For all I care you can keep the $100.
In one year of patrol work in a large city, only about ten minutes would be cool enough to be on the television show
Cops.
Every traffic stop could end in gunfire, but we have to be polite and professional until that time.
I've taken about the same amount of men and women to jail for domestic violence, so NO it's not always the man.
People love fire fighters.
If the light was yellow, we wouldn't be having this conversation.
Cops know you pay taxes and that your taxes pay cops' salaries. Cops also pay taxes, which also pay cops' salaries
so, hey, this traffic stop is on me. Now sign here; press hard. There are four copies.
____________________
The Citation
A motorcycle officer stops a man for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the
motor officer.
The violator demands to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red
light violation.
The "Motorist" instantly goes on a tirade questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit
terms.
The officer, being a professional, takes it all in stride.
The tirade goes on without the cop saying anything. When he gets done with writing the citation he puts an "AH"
in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the citation. He then hands it to the "Violator" for his signature.
The guy signs the cite angrily tearing the paper, and when presented his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know
what it stands for.
The officer then removes his mirror sunglasses, gets in the middle of the guys face and says, "That's so when we go
to court, I'll remember you're an Asshole!"
Three months later they are in court. The "Violator" has such a bad record he is about to lose his license and has
hired an attorney to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney
asks, "Officer, is this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?"
The Officer responds, "Yes sir, this is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
The Attorney says, "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this citation you don't normally make?"
The Officer says, "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an 'AH , underlined.'"
The Attorney asks, "What does the AH stand for, officer?"
The Officer replies, "Aggressive and Hostile Sir!"
The
Attorney says, "Aggressive and hostile?"
The Officer says, "Yes Sir."
The Attorney says, "Officer....... Are you sure
it doesn't stand for Asshole?"
The Officer says, "Well Sir, You obviously know your client better than I do!"
____________________
"Best Comeback" line by a Police Officer
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined
by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....
Q:
"Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"
A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description
of the offender, running several blocks away."
Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"
A: "The officer
who responded to the scene."
Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you
trust your fellow officers?"
A: "Yes, sir. With my life."
Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this
then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"
A: "Yes sir,
we do!"
Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"
A: "Yes sir, I do."
Q: "And do you have a lock on your
locker?"
A: "Yes sir."
Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find
it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"
A: "You see, sir -- we share the building
with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."
The courtroom erupted in
laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line
-- and we think he'll win.
____________________
You don't even have to be in a bar to start a fight wearing this shirt.
____________________
Great Answer from P.O.
Recently, a California website ran an e-mail forum (a question and answer exchange)
where the topic was "Policing the Community."
One of the civilian email participants posed the following question:
"I would like to know how it is possible for police officers to continually harass people and get away with it?"
From
the "other side" (the law enforcement side) a cool cop with a sense of humor replied: It is not easy. In California
we average one cop for every 2,000 people. About 60% of those cops are on patrol, where we do most of the harassing. One-fifth
of that 60% are on duty at any given moment and are available for harassing people. So, one cop is responsible for harassing
about 10,000 residents. When you toss in the commercial, business and tourist locations that attract people from other areas,
sometimes you have a situation where a single cop is responsible for harassing 20,000 or more people each day.
A ten-hour
shift runs 36,000 seconds. This gives a cop one second to harass a person, and three-fourths of a second to eat a donut AND
then find a new person to harass. This is not an easy task. Most cops are not up to it, day in and day out. It is just too
tiring. What we do is utilize some tools to help us narrow down those people which we harass. They are as follows:
PHONE:
People will call us up and point out things that cause us to focus on a person for special harassment. "My neighbor is
beating his wife" is a code phrase we use. Then we come out and give special harassment. Another popular one on a weeknight
is, "The kids next door are having a loud party."
CARS:
We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive.
They like to harass the drivers of fast cars, cars blasting music, cars with expired registration stickers and the like. It
is lots of fun when you pick them out of traffic for nothing more obvious than running a red light. Sometimes you get
to really heap the harassment on when you find they have drugs in the car, are driving drunk, or they have an outstanding
warrant.
RUNNERS:
Some people take off running just at the sight of a police officer. Nothing is quite as
satisfying as running after them like a beagle on the scent of a bunny. When you catch them you can harass them for hours.
CODES:
When you can think of nothing else to do, there are books that give ideas for reasons to harass folks. They are called
"Codes" Penal, Vehicle, Health and Safety, Business and Professional Codes, to name a few. They spell out all sorts of things
for which you can really mess with people.
After you read the code, you can just drive around for a while until you
find someone violating one of these listed offenses and harass them. Just last week I saw a guy smash a car window. Well,
the code says that is not allowed. That meant I got permission to harass this guy. It is a pretty cool system that we have
set up, and it works pretty well.
We seem to have a never-ending supply of folks to harass. And we get away with it.
Why? Because the good citizens who pay the tab actually like the fact that we keep the streets safe for them. Next time you
are in my town, give me a single finger wave. That will be a signal that you wish for me to take a little closer look at you,
and then maybe I'll find a reason to harass YOU.
Looking forward to meeting you!
____________________
The Difference between Rookie Cops and Veteran Cops
A
Rookie loses his lunch at a homicide scene.
A Veteran eats his lunch at a homicide scene.
A Rookie uses McDonalds
drive thru so he won't miss a call.
A Veteran spends 45 minutes drinking coffee at Dunkin Donuts.
You can't read
a Rookies name plate because it's polished so brightly.
A Veteran doesn't wear one for liability reasons.
A Rookie
puts too much in reports.
A Veteran doesn't put enough into reports.
A Rookie loves foot pursuits.
A Veteran
makes the rookie do foot pursuits.
A Rookie is given 40 hours training on communications at the academy.
A Veteran
was given 40 rounds of ammunition when he left the academy.
A Rookie wants everyone to know he is a cop.
A Veteran
doesn't want anyone to know he is a cop.
A Rookie loves to find stolen vehicles.
A Veteran doesn't care about stolen
vehicles unless someone is in them.
A Rookie can spot an expired tag at 50 yards.
A Veteran can't spot anything
at 50 yards.
A Rookie spends 2 hours on a follow up.
A Veteran gives the follow up to detectives.
A Rookie
thinks every death is a homicide.
A Veteran thinks every death is a suicide.
A Rookie calls the brass by their rank.
A
Veteran calls the brass by their first name.
A Rookie carries a laptop computer.
A Veteran writes on his hand.
A
Rookie checks out deserted spots in hope of finding a drug deal in progress.
A Veteran checks out deserted spots in hope
of finding a place to sleep.
____________________
TOP TEN LISTS
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR PARTNER NEEDS A VACATION:
1) He keeps handcuffing himself
by accident.
2) He is starting to develop a crush on one of the transvestite hookers he arrested.
3) He wants to transfer
to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look good in a collar.
4) He talks to himself. Half of him is the "good cop", and
the other half is the "bad cop."
5) He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be
executed right there on the spot.
6) He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.
7) He is exchanging
donut recipes with complete strangers.
8) The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his hemorrhoids.
9) Every
Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren.
10) He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.
TOP TEN SIGNS THE POLICE CHIEF DOESN'T LIKE YOU:
1) He refers to you as "our mascot."
2) Instead of a gun, you
were issued a water pistol.
3) Your locker is also the broom closet.
4) The job description in your contract includes
"crash test dummy" and "pepper-spray test subject."
5) He sends you on drug raids - alone.
6) He always tells you
that only wussies call for back-up.
7) He makes up "missing persons" and then sends you to look for them.
8) You always
get the patrol car with the flat tire, no gas, a dead battery, and a broken air conditioner.
9) He lied to you about an
"officer exchange program" and put you on a plane to Siberia.
10) He doesn't like to be seen with you in public.
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE DEALING WITH A DUMB CRIMINAL:
1)
He took public transportation to and from his bank robbery.
2) He is using his seeing eye dog as a look-out.
3) Instead
of a cherry pie, she shoplifted yeast, flour, eggs, and a jar of cherries.
4) You caught him driving a stolen car with
"The Club" still on.
5) He tries to convince you that he thought crack was a breakfast cereal.
6) He responds to your
use of verbal force with a bunch of "Yo'momma" oneliners.
7) He makes himself laugh every time he says he's innocent.
8) He claims diplomatic immunity because he's a citizen of the Republic of Texas.
9) He asks the judge for a senior citizen
discount on his 7-year sentence.
10) He left footprints and a bloody glove at the crime scene.
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'VE
BEEN EXPOSED TO HAZARDOUS MATERIAL:
1) Two 18-wheelers collided. You arrive at the scene of the accident just in time
to see the two drivers' bodies melt.
2) Your body hair is getting so coarse, it's starting to poke through your uniform.
3) You can predict the weather by the length of your bowel movements.
4) Instead of chocolate sprinkles, you ask for
wood chips on your donuts.
5) You order raw meat at your favorite restaurant.
6) Your apartment is suddenly roach-free.
7) At night there's this eerie green glow - and it's you!
8) You start to generate electricity and sparks fly from
your mouth when you drink water.
9) The tomatoes growing in your backyard are the size of pumpkins.
10) They transfer
you to Area 51.
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE OVERWORKED AND UNDERSTAFFED:
1) You haven't been home in three days.
2)
You don't have time to take a shower, so you walk through a car wash on your beat.
3) Your social life consists of hanging
out and chatting with the suspects in the holding cells.
4) Your love life consists of driving past your house flashing
your spouse.
5) Your spouse does something to get arrested just to spend some time with you.
6) The stress is so bad
that instead a breakfast cereal you have a bowl of Tums; and instead of milk, you pour Pepto Bismol on it.
7) For Thanksgiving
you and your partner feed each other two turkey T.V. dinners, while one of you drives and the other one answers calls on the
radio.
8) You try to request immediate back-up, but the dispatcher puts you on hold.
9) Misdemeanors are no longer
a crime because there are not enough officers to respond.
10) The suspect in the holding cell lost 20 pounds because no
one remembered to feed him.
TOP TEN THINGS CORRECTIONS OFFICERS HATE:
1) Inmates who look like the sperm used
during their conception was tainted with steroids.
2) Inmates who don't flush after eating chili for lunch.
3) Coming
up with one too many at head count.
4) When you recognize the newest inmate as your proctologist.
5) Being on a first-name
basis with a serial killer on death row.
6) Finding a hole in your glove after completing a body cavity search.
7)
Having to break up a shower fight.
8) Being asked to be the bridesmaid when two inmates tie the knot.
9) The fact
that prisoners get more cable channels than you get at home.
10) Having a new neighbor move in next door who looks waaay
to familiar.
TOP TEN BEST THINGS TO DO WITH CAREER CRIMINALS:
1) Murderers: Let them choose one of two "early
retirement plans" - lethal injection or the electric chair.
2) Rapists: Make them wear pink tutus for the duration of
their next prison term.
3) Robbers: Make them pay for room and board.
4) Drug dealers: Let them perform their own
body cavity searches while everyone watches.
5) Drunken drivers: Decorate their cells with pictures of their victims.
6) Terrorists: Implant a homing device behind their left ear - and an explosive behind the right.
7) Arsonists: Use them for scientific experiments and medical
research.
8) Child molesters: Stop them from reproducing by having them spayed or neutered by a veterinarian.
9) Cop
killers: Use them as live organ donors.
10) Corrupt politicians: Introduce them to Islamic law and let med students get
some practice by amputating whatever body part it was that they used to commit their crimes.
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU DON'T
HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A COP:
1) You need at least 8 hours of sleep every night.
2) Sirens give you a headache.
3) You can't drive really fast, check a license plate on your in-car computer, talk on the radio, and drink coffee, all
at the same time.
4) When you see trouble brewing, your first reaction is to call 911.
5) When you get nervous, you
have to pee, so you secretly wear adult diapers, just in case it's going to be a busy night.
6) You're being called for
back-up, but you don't go because it's too dangerous.
7) At the scene of a riot, you refuse to get out of the car until
the crowd thins out.
8) A woman gives birth in the street and you give her a ticket for littering.
9) You think frisking
people and giving "mouth to mouth" to someone of your own gender is politically incorrect.
10) You're a bleeder and you
faint at the sight of a papercut.
TOP TEN WARNING SIGNS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR K-9 PARTNER IS GETTING TOO INTIMATE:
1) Lunch usually consists of a pizza topped with one half meatballs and the other half kibble.
2) You demand your
K-9 buddy get a locker, too.
3) In case there's an emergency, you carry a wee-wee pad wherever you go.
4) You get
a kick out of asking him how his day was and he always answers "ruff."
5) He is the only one who laughs at your jokes.
6) Out of habit, you start scratching your spouse's belly during tender moments.
7) For Christmas you knit a little
doggy uniform and buy doggy boots to keep his paws warm and dry.
8) For Valentine's Day you fill a heart-shaped box with
doggy treats.
9) At training class, you pass him love notes under the desk.
10) You want to have his puppies.
____________________
Leave it to the Mounties
The following news story appeared in a recent edition of Canada's
"Globe and Mail".
In most Canadian provinces, police forces have a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on
the highway when the temperatures drop into the single digits or below. One morning in March, about 3:00 a.m., RCMP Constable Bill
Wisen was alerted to respond to such a call. A car was parked off the shoulder in sub-freezing temperatures on the Trans Canada
Highway outside of Medicine Hat, Alberta.
Constable Wisen located the car, its engine still running, stuck in
deep snow alongside the highway. Pulling in behind it with his emergency lights on, he walked to the driver's door
to find a man passed out behind the wheel and a near empty bottle of vodka on the seat beside him. The officer tapped
on the window and the driver woke up. Seeing the flashing lights in his rear view mirror and a Mountie Constable
standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the gearshift into drive and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was
showing 20-30-40 then 50 kph, but the vehicle was still stuck in the snow, wheels madly spinning. Constable Wisen, having
a sense of humor, began running on the spot next to the "speeding" but still stationary car. The driver was
totally freaked out, thinking the officer was actually keeping up with him. The "race" went on for about 20
seconds, then Constable Wisen yelled at the man, ordering him to "Pull over." The man obeyed, took his foot off
the gas pedal, turned his wheels and stopped the engine. Once out of the car, the drunken driver asked about the RCMP's
special training and just how the Constable could run 50 kph..
The man, Mr. Robert Duport of Medicine Hat, was
arrested for driving under the influence, still believing that an RCMP Constable had outrun his car.
____________________
True Reports
The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.
"Relax;
the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet
fired from my gun."
"So you don't know how fast you were going.
I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the
shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm
warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton
candy, and step in monkey do-do."
"Yeah, we have a quota.
Two more tickets and my wife will get a toaster oven."
"In
God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
"Just how big
were those two beers?"
"No sir we don't have quotas anymore.
We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your
bail."
And the best one
"You didn't think we gave pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.
____________________
Husband and Wife
The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 mile per hour, sir." The
driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating." Not looking
up from her knitting the wife says sweetly from the passenger seat, "Now don't be silly, dear, you know that this car
doesn't have cruise control." As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver
looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, " You
should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal
radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep
your mouth shut. The officer frowns and! says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's
an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me
over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says," Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have
your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." And as the police officer is writing out the third
ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP??" The officer looks over at the woman
and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?" "Oh, heavens
no, officer. Only when he's been drinking."
____________________
Disorder in the Court
These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court." They are things people actually said in
court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges
were actually taking place.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year
___________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
___________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something you've forgotten?
___________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
___________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
___________________________________
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
___________________________________
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
___________________________________
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.
___________________________________
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
___________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
___________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?
___________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
___________________________________
Q: So the date of conception of (the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
___________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
___________________________________
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
___________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
___________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
___________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice that I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
___________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
___________________________________
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
___________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
___________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
___________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
___________________________________
Judge: "Well Sir, I have reviewed this case and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
Husband: "That's fair, your honor. I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
____________________
Cop
Talk
"Relax,
the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"Take your hands off
the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail
tired."
"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed
of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."
"So you don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write
anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help.....Oh.....did
I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning!? You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to
do that again, or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey
Mouse a cat or a dog?"
"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride
on carnival rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."
"Yeah, we have a quota. In fact, two more tickets
and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
"Just
how big were those two beers?"
"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours........At
least you know someone who can post your bail."
"You didn't think we gave tickets to pretty women?.........You're right,
we don't.........Sign here."
____________________
Ideal Airline Captain---Click Here
____________________
Handy Tool
____________________
Why Men Shouldn't Babysit!
____________________
His Holiness
After getting all of Pope
John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing
on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well,
to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm
sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd
never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly,
the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting
the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the
worried driver, but the
Pope keeps! the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna
lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop
takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The
Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," said
the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,"
said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The
Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well,"
said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"
____________________
A Missouri State Trooper pulled a car over on I-55
about 2 miles north of the MO/AR state line. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding.
The driver answered that he was
a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Sikeston to do a show that night for a birthday party and didn't
want to be late.
The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and If the driver would
do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.
The driver told the Trooper that he had
sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Trooper told Him that he had some flares
in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler stated that he could,so
the Trooper got three flares lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act,
a car pulled in behind the patrol car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol
car, opened the rear door and got in.
The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door
and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there's no way in hell
I can pass that test."
____________________
A first grade class was on a field trip at the police station.
A senior officer is showing them around and noting points of interest.
He points to the left wall and says, "These are the jail cells we keep all the
bad guys in." The children are fascinated and look around in awe.
He then points to another wall and says, "These are all the files so we can keep
track of all the bad guys, and these pictures are all of America's most wanted criminals."
A little girls raised her hand and said, "These are pictures of the baddest people
in America and you're looking for them?"
The officer replies, "Yes."
Then the little girl asked, "Well why didn't you keep them when you took their
picture?!"
____________________
FIREARMS REFRESHER COURSE
1. An armed man is a citizen.
An unarmed man is a subject
2. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.
3. Glock: The
original point and click interface.
4. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.
5. If
guns are outlawed, can we use swords?
6. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.
7.
Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.
8. If you don't know your rights you don't have any.
9.
Those who trade liberty for security have neither.
10. The United States Constitution (c) 1791. All Rights reserved.
11.
What part of "shall not be infringed" do you not understand?
12. The Second Amendment is in place in case they
ignore the others.
13. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.
14. Guns only have two
enemies: rust and liberals.
15. Know guns, know peace and safety. No guns, no peace nor safety.
16.
You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.
17. 911 - government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer
18.
Assault is a behavior, not a device.
19. Criminals love gun control -- it makes their jobs safer.
20.
If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson.
21. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to
control them.
22. You only have the rights you are willing to fight for.
23. Enforce the "gun
control laws" we have, don't make more.
24. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.
25.
The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control.
____________________
Cop Under Fire
If you ever testified in court, you might wish you could have been
as
sharp as this Cop. A defense attorney was cross-examining a police
officer during a felony trial-----it went
like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person
matching the description
of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender.
Do
you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer,
do you have a room
where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q.
And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your
life, that you find it necessary to lock
your locker in a room you share
with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with the entire court
complex, and
sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter,
and a prompt recess was
called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's best
comeback line and we
think he'll win.
____________________
Gotcha
From the country where drunk driving is considered a sport,
comes a true story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer
noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the carpark
for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on
five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number
of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off
(it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He
moved the vehicle forward a few inches,reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as
some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time,now
started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser
test. To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me
to the Police station this breath-alyser equipment must be broken.
"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated
decoy."
____________________
Last Laugh
A motorist was mailed
a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the
police department a picture of $40.
The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
____________________
Young Entrepreneur
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting
many. Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read:
"RADAR
TRAP AHEAD"
The officer then found a young accomplice down the
road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full
of money.
(And we used to just sell lemonade!)
____________________
Ontario Provincial Police
____________________
____________________
How To Get Out Of A Speeding Ticket
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following
exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my
5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer:
The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when
I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it
after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by
police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's
the owner's card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if
there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk
is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have
a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll
bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!
____________________
HOW TO IDENTIFY WHERE A DRIVER IS FROM
One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO.
One hand
on wheel, middle finger out window: NEW YORK.
One hand on wheel, middle finger out window, cutting across all lanes
of traffic: NEW JERSEY.
One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON.
One hand
on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES.
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror:
INDIANA, but driving in CALIFORNIA.> >>
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned
to talk to someone in back seat: ITALY.
One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling
cell ph one, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE..
One
hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing
McDonald's bag out the window: TEXAS.
Four-wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted
in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: OKLAHOMA.
Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair
barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane, with the left blinker on: FLORIDA.
One
hand on the wheel, the other on his sister: ARKANSAS
____________________
Only in Texas (maybe OK)
A Texas State Trooper
pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 dollars in the
statewide safety competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman. "Well, I guess I'm going to
get a driver's license," he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat. "He's a smart
aleck when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back-seat, who took one look at the cop and moaned, "I knew we
wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish, "Are
we over the border yet?"
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